Face the Situation with Courage
I am a 15-ye
ar-old middle-class boy studying in a good private school. Being a single child, my parents made all kinds of sacrifices to get me admitted to this school. But I feel miserable here. Although I love the school, there are three bullies in our class who torment me. They laugh at me, trip me when I walk past them and even tear up my books. I do not want to tell my parents about this. If I complain to my class teacher, I am called all kinds of names. This is affecting my studies as well. What shall I do?
-Rahul
You must realise that bullies are often suffering from mental health problems and do need help besides disciplining. Most bullies try to make themselves feel more important. When they pick on someone else, it can make them feel big and powerful. You will meet them in different forms all through your life. Bullies survive on their victims' distress and fear. If you show them that you are unaffected and couldn't care less, much of their acts will lose their offensiveness. Try to ignore their taunts, pretend you don't hear them and walk away quickly to a place of safety. Face them firmly and threaten to report them if they tear up your work. Garner a group of firm friends who will stand by you. Sooner or later, the bullies will tire.
Go to school with confidence and high self-esteem and the bullies would not have anything left to pick on. Be sure of who you are and be proud of your background. Their comments are of no consequence if you are happy with your situations. If you need help, there is no harm in reporting their behaviour to a teacher or student counsellor in private. The bullies, if warned, will change their behaviour for the fear of punishment. This is not something small; if you speak up against it then it might help someone else who gets bullied as well. Do not let them stop you from doing well in class.
I have an 18-year-old adopted daughter. I was separated from my husband when she was seven. When in Class 9, I came to know she had a boyfriend. I gave her a strict warning that if she continued with that kind of behaviour, she would have to stop going to school. But she has continued with the relationship, which is affecting her studies. Now, she is about to go to college but I do not wish her to. I think if she stays at home, she will learn to behave better. How should I handle her?
-Anita
At the outset, you will have to first perceive the child as your own and not as an adopted one. Many parents who adopt seem to confront such problems when the child reaches adolescence, because they think some genetic factors have manifested. However, biological parents go through the same difficulties. So, you should not approach this issue differently.
Secondly, you should not deny her an education to stop her from having a boyfriend. Most children today are growing and maturing very fast. Having a friend of the opposite sex is no longer taboo, as it used to be. She may be looking for a male figure in her life. You are lucky she found a boy of her age and did not get attracted to an older man as a ‘father figure'. Instead of prohibiting her from having a boyfriend, you must discuss with her the nature of the relationship, try and educate her about the disadvantage of irresponsible behaviour, such as unwanted pregnancy, sexually-transmitted diseases, etc. Make her realise that the friendship should not harm her emotionally or physically but should support her well being.
Also, quitting studies would only lead to more serious problems. With nothing to do and a lot of resentment at having her movements curtailed, she is likely to engage in harmful activities. Talk to her about growing up and about the responsibility she must take for her future well being. All parents have to do this, rather than surrendering their responsibility with corporal ultimatums. Youngsters have a mind of their own and will accept only what they consider reasonable. But they need your affection, firmness and consistency. Of course, you have to protect her and be patient while doing so. If you handle this sensitive period well, you will have a daughter and a comrade for life. Talk to a counsellor or a psychologist if you want more help in handling the situation.
Author: Jitendra Nagpal (HT Horizons)
Date: 29th October, 2010
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